If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
