I think I am morally bankrupt
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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