They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
