Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
