he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
