i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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