god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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