My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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