1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
