Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
