bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
