he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
