If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
