Christians are straight up FREAKS
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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