Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
