When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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