I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
