My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
