Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
