I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
