Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
