So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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