I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
