im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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