If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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