Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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