Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
