I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
