Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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