Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
