My hand turned me down
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
