Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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