remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
