he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
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Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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