Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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