apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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