i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
