I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
