god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
