my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
