so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
