did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
