she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
