hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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