All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
