what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
