Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
