my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
