Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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