Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
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Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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