Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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