i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
