its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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