I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we made out on top of his cat.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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