on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
