Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
