____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I faked an abortion last night.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
